People That I Would (sometimes) Like To Nuke

People That I Would (sometimes) Like To Nuke

February 1, 2015

by Jane Tawel

People That I Would (sometimes) Like to Nuke:

1. All the Terrorists
2. All the Generals of All the Militaries in All the World
3. The Secretary of Defense of Every First World Country
4. Guerilla Warlords
5. My Boss
6. My Mother
7. My Husband
8. Myself
9. Drivers who:
   1. Cut me off on the freeway
   2. Take illegal U-turns on side streets
   3. Cut me off when I’m running
   4. Almost hit me when I’m running
   5. Are driving on the streets when I’m running
   6. Tailgate me
   7. Don’t drive fast enough
   8. Cut me off for a parking space
   9. Almost hit my car in a parking lot
   10. Don’t fully stop at a red light
   11. Don’t go immediately at a green light
10. Pedestrians
11. My Dog
12. The Neighbor’s Cat
13. Rats in the Fruit Trees
14. Rats in the Congress
15. Bill Collectors
16. People who don’t pay their bills
17. Taggers
18. People who are really good at art

I Would (sometimes) Like to Nuke:

19. Litterers
20. People who cut in line
21. People who get upset when I hold a place in line for someone
22. Neighbors who have loud parties
23. Neighbors who call the cops because our party is too loud
24. People who cut down trees
25. People with gardeners
26. People with garden blowers
27. People who hose their driveways
28. People who let their sprinklers water their sidewalks
29. People who waste water
30. People who make me take short showers
31. People who turn off the lights I turned on in the other room
32. People with maids
33. People who talk too much
34. People who won’t do their part in a conversation
35. Talking heads on television
36. People who are always quiet
37. Movie stars who make commercials
38. Movie stars who think they are too good to make commercials
39. Whoever started Ebola
40. People who step on the back heels of my shoes
41. People who tell me I look tired
42. People who are late
43. People who get mad if you are late
44. Couples who literally almost have sex in public
45. Couples who literally almost kill each other in public
46. Ugly people at the mall
47. People who carry yoga mats on public streets
48. People who carry little dogs into stores in America for God’s sake
49. People who talk on their cell phones anywhere in public (hello, I mean c’mon, Text it!)

I Would (sometimes) Like to Nuke:

45. People who don’t wear the right shoes
46. Slave traders
47. The woman who invented chocolate
48. People who are always on Facebook
49. People who think they are too good to go on Facebook
50. People who drive Hummers
51. People who ride bicycles
52. The man who invented hair dye
53. The man who first made his wife shave her legs
54. Children dining in restaurants
55. The parents of children dining in restaurants
56. People who are rude to my children in restaurants
57. Hoarders
58. People in the media who take advantage of people with the mental illness of hoarding
59. People who say I have too many books
60. People who leave a large carbon footprint
61. Ed Begley, Jr.
62. Anyone who is famous but keeps “Jr.” after his name

I Would (sometimes) Like to Nuke:

63. Mean people
64. People who think they always have to be nice
65. People who call me Ma’am
66. People who call me Miss
67. My Husband (did I mention that already?)
68. Myself (oh, yeah, just shoot me already)
69. The makers of cheese
70. Two Buck Chuck
71. Liars
72. Anyone eating in public
73. People who jay walk
74. People who turn left over two double yellow lines
75. People who cross at the walk when there is no little white man
76. People who scare me on purpose
77. People who can’t take a joke
78. People who put up billboard pictures of food
79. Immoral people
80. Self-righteous people
81. Young people
82. People who make money blogging
83. Ants
84. And I would really, really like to shoot the guy who invented the smiley face.
85.