I am an overthinker. Perhaps you can relate. Every moment of every day I find myself in a battle of wits, (or is it witlessness?). The battle is “to think or not to think, that is the question”.
I am also a seeker. And like many people, I have spent a life time, seeking answers to questions big and small. I have found many good and helpful teachers along a blessedly long life-line and I have used their teachings, I hope, to change and grow and better myself, because I believe at the heart of every true teacher, religion, spiritual-consciousness, philosophy, and science is the quest to be the best one can be in this life and perhaps even in some life-beyond. And so, some of us, like I, seek and we find. And then, we doubt. And the doubt for some, like I, takes the form of overthinking. Over thinking the past, which is no more; overthinking the future which is not yet; overthinking other people, both significant and rather insignificant to the reality of my reality right now; and beyond all overthinking, is the overthinking of self.
And I think, (although I may be overthinking this), that what I have realized today in a tiny little section of my overthoughtful brain, is that what I need to do, is go back to the very childlike idea that the happiest moments of thinking are when one is asking questions.
As adults, we sort of stop asking questions, maybe because we are still carrying the hurt of questions that have or had answers that hurt; questions that had answers that were rejections, or made us angry or fearful; questions that often lead to a feeling of powerlessness or depression or despair. And so, we begin to fear questions, of ourselves and questions of others, because we fear the answers or we fear we don’t know the answers, or we want to insist that everyone answer our questions in the same way we do (this last one is especially a problem of our supposed answers to questions in our religions and politics, both of which are temporal and always have been incredibly flawed in any one’s idea of logic.) And yet, being adult gets to be all about knowing answers to things. Rather sad, when you think about it, isn’t it? and there we go again — we think about the answer-less-ness of life so much and it pretty much makes us miserable or numb or facile.
But imagine for a moment, you are a child of about three or four. And imagine that instead of being surrounded by adults who get tired of your endless questions of “how?” or “why?” or “when?”; that you are surrounded by a host of imaginary playmates and other questioning children, all content and happy to live in the questions. And so, as this little child, you are living each moment with curiosity and exploration and awe and wonder. Imagine the freedom. Imagine the joy. Imagine you as someone who needs to know or think about very little at all right now, except what you are doing in this very moment.
And so, this morning, I began with a few little toddling steps. (I am after all not yet old and wise enough to be a three- or four-year-old. I am crawling.) I stopped what I was thinking about (that thing that might happen tomorrow, and that thing that she said yesterday, and that scary thing that might happen to me, and that hurt that I refuse to scab over…) and I stopped myself, and I asked myself:
1. What do you see? (Answer: the interesting pattern of my right sock.)
2. What do you hear? (Answer: a moth flying repeatedly into and bashing against the window, trying to go forward. (Stop overthinking the metaphor in that, Ms. Jane, you are three.)
3. What do you taste? (Answer: milky sweet coffee and a ceramic cup-lip against my lips)
4. What do you smell? (Answer: not much, my nose is a little allergy-stuffy)
5. What do you feel? (Answer: cold hands, rub them against each other, better.)
And life was very, very pleasant just to be. I was aware. And my awareness came from asking questions, and answering them. My mind became childlike and it was very, very good. I liked myself. I wasn’t worried. I liked my life. I enjoyed just being alive.
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When thoughts force their way in to the sanctuary that should be my mind, heart, soul and will (I happen to believe they are all inter-related); and when I can’t stop thinking about immediately irrelevant things, or things I have already answered about what I need to do, or want to do, or why I did do; when any thoughts come crowding in like parasites, hoping to feed off of the only sustaining food I have right now (this moment); when they do, I have started saying this simple prayer, “Create in me a new (child-like) mind/heart, Oh, God.” Create. Inside me. New. Heart. God.
I have also written down a list of questions to ask my over-Thinking Brain:
1. Is there anything you can do about this right now, in this very minute? (If so, do it. If not, stop thinking about it. (Example: Are you so worried about that pain, you should google its possible cause? If not, breathe in and out and stop worrying.)
2. Is there any action you can take about this situation right now? (Example: Do you need to text someone to ask forgiveness? Something I have done. Or Do you need to call your manager right now on a Sunday and tell her your thoughts? Something I would not do, so I should stop thinking about what I am going to say to her tomorrow on Monday.)
3. Is there any one you need to communicate with right now about your feelings? (This involves understanding how I think about my feelings and my relationships. This is a llloooonnngggg discussion for the experts, but in short-hand, I must ask myself: Is this feeling anything any one, other than I, myself, can and should do something about? Is this feeling something that I should act on, or do I need to analyze it more, live with it more even if it is painful, and try to find out why I am feeling it? Is this feeling true-True? And if so, who needs to help me with it or share it with me?)
4. Are these feelings productive right now? (And I mean right now. If so, just feel them. Even something that hurts can be very productive. Just like in the body, in the emotions, a pain leads to an awareness leads to a diagnosis leads to a choice leads to an action or inaction leads to a resolution. Don’t think about anything, just feel. Hard in our Western, worshipping-of -one -kind -of -logic kind of world, but again — be a child. Feel and in feeling, find a new emotional intelligence and a wisdom that may be quite a surprise.)
5. What can I create with the feelings I have right now? (And negative feelings can create insight into new directions, while positive feelings can create a whole new way of knowing what it is to be, and to be content, and to be content with being content, and to know that I don’t have to think anything at all to be of value, and to be worthy, and to be enough. This moment, and myself, are enough.)
6. And finally, what would I prefer to be thinking about right now? What can I think about that is happening right now that will make me feel the way I want to feel, right now, and the way I deserve to feel about myself, and others, and the world. Right now.
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We have relegated feelings to back burners of thinking, rather than letting them be the matches that light the flame of our creativity in living in this moment. We have given feelings a poor second-place to what we call “logic” and in doing so, our logic has become inflamed with the pus of our overthinking everything that should be excised with the precision of the soul’s surgeon-like release of all that would infect our joy in living.
We have excused our negativity by claiming we need to think about something in order to understand. And we refuse to accept, that most of everything that makes us uniquely human, is in some small or huge way, impossible for us to ever completely understand. Knowledge, to be true, is always flowing forward, and we can never step in the same part of Truth twice. We are, as the sage said, not nearly as afraid of death (absolutely unknowable), as we are afraid of living (over-rated as knowable, and not accepted as wondrously full of mystery and momentary awe).
“Create in me, Dear Self, Oh, God, this moment, a new heart.” This is the only progress, and it is a progression of what seems for a while like regression. As the wisest of the wise said, “you must become as a little child to enter the Kingdom of Heaven”. And the Kingdom of Heaven is nothing more that choosing to live fully, freely, joyfully in the here and now, as all heavenly creations choose to do.
To live fully and freely and faithfully and lovingly and joyfully, is to be “reborn” in each moment. I awake to true life, when I wake to a new moment –“Aha! I was just born. What a discovery! I am alive! How fun! Let me explore. Let me create.”
Sweep out the dust and trash and overflowing “stuff” in the house of your mind. Allow space for moments that are eternal only because they are completely new. New wine will not tolerate an old wineskin, as the wise sage also reminded us, and so, imbibe and drink deeply in this very new wine of this very new minute.
Look. Listen. Smell. Feel. Touch. Taste, eat; for it is all to nourish the very you that is uniquely you.
Stop thinking and question. Let go of all that has no purpose in moving you along the narrow path of this very and only guaranteed moment of time. Do not fear, for your very own holy spirit waits to play with you, as all children of God love play. You were created to create. So, all you need to ask yourself is this:
What do I feel like making and creating in myself and my little corner of this world, right now?
Oh, this feels good, and I created this; and it is very good.
So, today my country makes history, yet again. This time, the history making event, is one of huge proportions, of criminality, of power abused, and the abuse of power revealed and charged.
Today, the purpose of the American judicial system is revealed for what it was, at its best, meant to achieve. No one is privileged under the rule of law, which is meant to be the same for every citizen of a democratic nation. It has rarely, rarely, rarely been in this country, or any country, but today it is. Today, my nation also takes seriously, and lets every citizen know, that espionage, is still a “thing”, and it is dangerous and it is punishable by the highest courts in the nation. There have been many who escape our laws, because they have enough money to do so. Today, at least for a while, we can believe that whether you are white or black, rich or poor, educated or uneducated, born here or born elsewhere and melded into the American quilt of
“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore”; no matter what your last name is or how many buildings you may have it emblazoned on or spray painted on; that we, the American people, will assume you are innocent, but if you are proved guilty, you will be brought to justice, because we, the American people, deserve justice for all.
The last time I felt the kind of “we are making history” feeling, I have today, was when I got my first Covid shot, in a big tented parking lot at Cal Poly University, where nurses from all over the United States had been flown to various other locations, put up in hotels, away from their families, but dedicated to the cause of helping us fight the first world pandemic since the early 20th Century. Masked, and still afraid after months of fear, I felt so very brave. I felt that I was connected to the many Americans, not only getting a vaccine shot today to keep themselves and others safe and alive, but to the many Americans who had lived through rations during World Wars, who had fought for a cause other than oil or land, but for human rights and to defeat those nations who would abuse their power by making racism or greed an excuse for the horrors of war. I felt that as the smallest of all citizens in this nation, I was, by doing my part, a part of the Whole. I was making history.
And the time before that, when I, with very little hope that it could happen, experienced the pure elation of seeing history in the making, a night when I spontaneously wept with the joy of disbelief, was the night I gathered with my family, around our television set, and watched history being made with the announcement that my nation now had a Black President. I am not the one who has the right to enumerate my country’s sad history of racially motivated wrongs, (beginning with the genocide of First Nation peoples), but in this case, more specifically the enslavement and horrors inflicted upon African, i.e. Black slaves, and I can not speak to the heart-wrenching stories I read daily of the American racism that leads to the abuse of power, biased judicial rulings and imprisonments, and insane worship of an old document’s amendment to make excuses for the greed that rules our gun laws in this nation, of which Black citizens are most at risk for being the victims of. But I can speak to the moment, on November 4, 2008, when my four children, my husband and I, heard the most amazing thing, I never thought I would hear: The next President of The United States is Barack Obama. And I, as the most insignificant little person, in what was meant to be, “One Nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all”; I had one little vote to cast, and with that vote, I was part of an historical moment, that had never happened before.
Sometimes, the moment of making history in the world, is clouded and unseen. We may never have the privilege of knowing that what is happening today in our country, will have ramifications for good or evil, for better or worse. History is mostly hindsight, and it will be for others to write, as Charles Dickens once famously wrote, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”
There are many days, to quote another profound writer, I fear I am but one little ant, “living a quiet life of desperation”, and that we Americans will never turn the corner of helping our nation return to its once lofty goals, or that, God help us (literally) we humans will never manage to save our gasping for air, poor Mother Earth, or that people of good conscience will never humble themselves to understand what their God desires for them and all, “The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love” (Psalm 33:5). But today, there is, in the midst of so much darkness, light; in the midst of so much injustice, equality; in the midst of so much fear, hope. And I feel hope for my nation, and for all of us who foolishly believe that we need something we do not have when what we have is all we need — because we have each other, and we have the freedom, and the right, and the oh, so very important necessity to say:
“When in the course of human events it becomes necessary…. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security…..He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good……And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.” (from The Declaration of Independence, 1776)
History being made doesn’t always feel good. It certainly has never been, nor should it be, easy. But then, most good things, most right things, most important things, and all sacred things and sacred trusts, have never come easy, nor should they. For we humans are meant to understand that not only are we privileged with godlike rights on this Earth, but we are tasked with God-like responsibilities. We are created to be our best when we are creative, not destructive; when we are truthful, not deceptive; when we are united, not divided; when we are just, not unjust; and when we give up our prejudices, our covetousness, our fears, and our hatred, for the freedom of treating others, as we would require and wish all to be treated.
Today, is that paradigm of an historical moment that is both sad and happy, both shocking and reassuring, both frightening and hopeful. Today, I am a part of history. You are a part of history. And of course, once we realize we are alive to see history being made, all there is really left for us to do is ask ourselves, “What will we who are privileged to be alive today, leave for our children?” For history is never made to make a name for those alive in it, for all names are eventually forgotten in the tides of time and men. History-making is to make a future for the children, and the grandchildren, and the beautiful, beautiful planet on which we are privileged to come from and return to. For “from dust we are made, and to dust we will return.” But today, a little speck of history’s dust has landed upon my shoulders, and I shall hold it carefully, as a sacred trust of hope, that sometimes, the very present moment can assure us, that “it is well and all will be well.”
Perhaps I am alone in this, but reading living authors like Yann Martel, Fredrick Backman, Alexander McCall Smith; seeing plays by living authors like David Mamet, Tony Kushner, ; watching things that need good writers, like “The Good Place”, “White Lotus”, “Schitt’s Creek”; or movies that reveal something so deeply human, so deeply spiritual, by living authors, like Roberto Benini, Jane Campion, Spike Lee, Key and Peele, Lin-Manuel Miranda; when my whole worldview is rocked by living authors like Don Miguel Ruiz, Richard Rohr, (only one year passed on- Thich Nhat Hanh); or you listen to lyrics by living writers like Joni Mitchel, Alanis Morrisette, Elton John, Leonard Cohen, Beyonce, Patty Griffin, Tori Amos, Dave Matthews….
Oh, I could go on and on and if I had to include any writers who have already gone to that great writer’s conference or jam session in the sky, I would never, never stop — so I guess what I am saying is. Let’s not be silly folks. There is not a chance in the world that AI will replace even the smallest little humans here, let alone the Greats.
Oh, yes, AI is already replacing the people who used to respond to your complaints about your health insurance, or to your request for a response from your local politician, or hacks who churn out fodder to advertise yet something else none of us need but think we do, but is that really so bad? I mean, even those people deserve a chance to find something valuable and meaningful to do with their lives.
So, bring it on, AI. We’ve got your number, which is still 01010101…. You can find me rereading “The Grapes of Wrath” or rewatching “Life is Beautiful” or listening to a Sondheim’s greatest hits CD. And I just finished the latest Backman and saw a great production of “Much Ado About Nothing, and you know what — AI, you are MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING! Nope, no computer in the world will ever, ever, write like even my struggling students can write when it comes from a beating heart, a head full of dreams and things that must be said, and a soul that lives and breathes as only human souls have ever lived. Want to decrease your fears about AI? Grab a good book, go for a walk and conversation with a friend, watch something that makes you think or question or feel, feel, feel, or listen to something that soars and descends, rises and falls, and makes you feel alive. Because “Being Alive” (allusion to Sondheim intentional) will always be a million times more creative, more real, and more eternal, than anything, anything else.
Jane Tawel 